I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
