Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
