we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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