I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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