wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
