Say something about gay babies.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
