I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You smell like stripper and shame
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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