I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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