a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
