Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
