Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
