I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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