Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
