I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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