I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
