I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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