I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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