i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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