we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
