He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
