would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
