Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
