we're chasing vodka with high fives
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i think my cat just said my name.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
