My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
