things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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