I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
