I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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