Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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