Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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