my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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