I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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