Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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