Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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