And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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