I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
