i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
