I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize