soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
