They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize