when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
