he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
