we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
