Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
