I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
