then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize