There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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