if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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