Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
