Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
