Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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