i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
