I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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