Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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