I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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