you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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