Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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