I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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