i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
