Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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