just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
