is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
