Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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