508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I will die if light touches me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
