Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
