how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
