You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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