I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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